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Adding a Third? Here’s Everything You Need to Know


Your dos, don’ts, hows, and whys for having a first threesome All good things come in threes, right? If you’re threesome-curious, you might find th...
Adding a Third? Here’s Everything You Need to Know

Your dos, don’ts, hows, and whys for having a first threesome

All good things come in threes, right? If you’re threesome-curious, you might find the idea of another person in bed (and the extra set of hands and genitals) appealing. Or, you might be interested in watching your partner with another. If you’re new to dabbling in odd numbers between the sheets, this guide has you covered on what to know before you have your first threesome and how to go about having one. 

What threesomes are and aren’t

Threesomes can serve as a way of exploring sexual identity, quenching a fantasy, receiving and giving pleasure to more than one partner, or safe ways to practice voyeurism. 

Threesomes are NOT bandaids for a struggling relationship, remedies for infidelity, or a way to surprise your partner (unless it has been clearly communicated beforehand that this is okay, but is it really a surprise then?)

What to know before your first threesome

One two three, easy as could be? Not entirely. While you may feel totally comfortable jumping into your first threesome, it’s imperative that you establish boundaries before the encounter. Share your limitations beforehand so the other participants can commit to them or communicate if they’re a dealbreaker. Boundaries in regards to a threesome can sound like this:

-I only want x to have sex with y, not me

-Protective barriers are a must for all participants

-It doesn’t have to be an equal split of who gets contact. I enjoy watching

-This is a one-time thing for me

-I am open to future threesomes with this person

Consider why you’re having a threesome. This might sound simple, (i.e., because it sounds hot), but it’s more complicated than you think! When you think about the reasons propelling you to have a threesome, consider this. Is it to appease your partner? Red light. Does the idea turn you on? Greenlight!

Before your first threesome, visualize what your reactions might be because they may surprise you. Think about what it might feel like to see your partner naked and turned on by someone else. If, in theory, this sounds hot, then great! Even then, it may be a bit of a shock, so make sure to get your mind familiar with what the outcome could feel like. 

Keep your goals in check! Everyone’s genitals don’t have to be involved all the time. Threesomes also don’t need to result in orgasms for all. In fact, they might not! When you switch your goals to being present and open to the experience rather than going through a checklist of what outcomes you need to have happen, you can have a more enjoyable experience, even if that’s a steamy three-way makeout session with no penetration and no orgasms. 

Who puts their hands where?

It might sound like a simple question, but things can get complicated with an additional set of appendages! To ease any confusion, communicate beforehand to establish what you’re comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with having sex with this new person but want to watch, cheerlead, direct, or have sex with your partner, that’s all okay! Also, be flexible about what constitutes as a threesome. 

There’s no prescription for your threesome or guide on who does what. You’re the best person at determining what you’re comfortable with, and you are the expert on your own sex life. Just be sure to communicate what you’re not willing to do beforehand so you can have the best experience. 

How do you meet people for a threesome?

There are now dating apps just for meeting thirds for threesomes. This way, you and your partner can have a shared profile. If you meet someone on a traditional dating app, make sure you clearly communicate that you are a couple looking for a threesome. 

You can also try local sex parties or sex clubs. If you find someone during day-to-day life while at your local coffee shop, at the library, or park, and you hit it off, that’s excellent. For a copasetic experience, make sure you communicate what your intentions are. If your intentions match, great. If they don’t? Also okay. There are tons of people looking to join couples in threesomes!

What NOT to do

Always communicate that you and your partner are looking for a third. Make sure to utilize protective barriers like condoms

Another piece of threesome etiquette is to never blindside someone by bringing them home and finding your partner just happens to be there and didn’t know about the threesome or the stranger doesn’t know about your partner. 

Treat the person you invite to your bed as a whole person, not just a fantasy. Check in with them after the experience. Instead of hurrying them out the door, you might discuss your plans for staying in touch. You can practice sex aftercare, too, as a way to provide closure to the experience.

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